Abi's 13th Blogiversary!

Well...here we are with another two-year skip! 👀  Even for your wee purple abbess, the past two years have been something else all together...but it seems appropriate that I would choose 2020 -- the Purple Year -- for returning to blogging. 💜 

So many things have happened in the past two years...so many things have happened in the past 13 years! I am a very different person in so many ways--it will be interesting to unpack and process some of that here.

I spent the first few years sharing the 10-year process of my deconstruction of institutional religion, from 2005-2015. There were only a few posts during the rubble-clearing years, from 2016-2018. There were no posts last year, which was the year of leveling the ground and laying the new foundation. And this is the first post in 2020, into the third quarter of what has been a wildly liminal year, even before the corona virus changed life as we knew it.

It has been 15 years since I have actually engaged in the life and ministry of a local congregation. It seems so strange to see that in writing...and that it has been such a long period of time. It is not surprising that it should take me 15 years to work my way out of 49 years of experience and expectation...it was planted so deep into my core that I didn't even realize that lots of that stuff was there!

But I did come across an interesting post from 10 years ago about the iconic iMonk that deeply resonates with where I am today. In it I ponder what I called the Perichoretic Community, which is what I've lately been calling Core of Four (Co4). I've also been pondering a Rule of Life again, and remains the amazing fundamental concept of cHesed.

I've been talking for so many years about finally getting around to processing Perichoretic cHesed. Its time may have finally come...or not. We'll just see how things roll out. But it may be closer, since I have been attending a new church plant in my community and am slowly beginning to engage there. We will see what Papa and Jesus and Sarayu have planned for me and for that community.

Stay tuned...😎

Be blessed. 

Abi

Abi's 11th Blogiversary!

Greetings from your wee purple abbess!  

It has been a long two years since my last wee post, acknowledging my 9th Blogiversary ... and there is no way to even begin to catch you up on what's been happening.

I am making very slow progress, but I do see progress, as I work to make my brain and body stronger and more resilient. Lots of changes happening, with more coming! My eldest son has graduated from college. My second son has just begun his Junior year at college. My youngest son is a senior in high school. I treasure this last time being a Senior Mom -- it has been quite a journey with these boys! They are growing into wonderful young men doing great things in the world. You're welcome, world, for these three awesome gifts from God! 💜


I do, however, wonder whether there might be a time coming when I return to posting about my purple ponderings in this space -- my small spot on the world wide interwebs. We'll see about that, but in the meantime, I didn't want the year to pass without remembering the wonderful events that led to this wee blog and the helpful thing that it has been to me over the years.

I might begin by an in-depth look at Perichoretic cHesed...breaking it down piece by piece in order to provide the bigger picture. And, yes, it is still what takes most of my brain's bandwidth. I do believe that this concept is my wee task, and I feel it is time to take up that task again in this space.  

This renewal of effort, of course, means that things that I have written previously about Perichoretic cHesed (and that's most of what you'll find here!) will be updated...and, as I have said many times, my thoughts have grown a lot over the past 11 years -- so do not hold me to things I have grown past, please. 😎

My world remain solidly purple. I feel a bit like Frodo when he said that not all things seem to heal fully. I have no ship to take into the West, but I know that the day will come when all things will be made new. I guess that I have come to accept that this is the way things will be for me...my "thorn in the flesh", as it were, until that day arrives. I certainly am in good company, there! And, yes...God's grace is more than sufficient, for Their power is, indeed, made perfect in weakness.

Be blessed...

Abi

Abi and The Last Synchroblog....

This post is part of the Final Synchroblog.  I have not always participated, but it has been a blessing to do so when able. The October 21, 2015 Synchroblog invites bloggers to imagine what they would say if they were writing their last blog post. 

Update:  10/21/15 ... the first release of links for other participants is found at the bottom of this post.  I have a feeling there will be more trickling in, so stay tuned!

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As I am writing this post on October 19th, this will also function as the marker of my eighth blogiversary.  My very first post was on October 19, 2007.  It has been an interesting eight years....

If this were to be my last blog post, I would say that I am just beginning to understand the depths of The Purple Martyrdom.  I have written 81 different posts with this label, which makes it only second to cHesed, which has 134...or 148 if I include Perichoretic cHesed posts.

What I have learned over these past eight years of processing so much purple is that pain and suffering are all wrapped up in the mystery of life.  

Peck says that the Four Tools of Discipline are techniques of suffering. If we do not learn how to experience legitimate suffering, then we stop growing or get stuck. It is the only way forward to solving life's problems -- large or small -- and growing to be who we are truly meant to be. 

The way to growth and maturity, then, passes through pain and suffering.

• Pregnancy and childbirth are full of pain...stretching, making room for a growing life triggers other mechanisms and push and shove mothers around for nine months. For those who suffer with severe morning sickness, they wonder how they stay alive and how the baby gets any nourishment.  It also permanently changes the mother's body in the process.  There is no going back, there is only establishing a new normal.
• Those babies get squeezed pretty hard during the delivery process. But I learned how important that is when our third son was delivered too quickly for all the fluid to get squeezed out of his lungs.
• Humans gain knowledge first through experimentation, and pain is an important teacher. We learn that there are a variety of kinds of pain...and we learn to bear some kinds of pain in order to get what we want.
• Pain and suffering teach us things about ourselves and those around us. They help us develop empathy when we see others suffer in ways we have suffered. They help us develop trust in those who help us bear up under trials. They help us develop a sense of generosity and sharing for those whose suffering is greater than our own at that particular moment.
• Pain and suffering are experiences of the body, mind and spirit -- because each of those areas grow...and growth is painful and must be suffered through.
• Pain and suffering are the great equalizers.  Everyone experiences them. There are no exceptions. Not even God.

But God, whose suffering began and has endured since They chose to create, teaches us how to have compassion: to suffer with another.  

Father suffers with us in our trials, even as parents suffer watching their children suffer the pain of exploration and growth and failure and perseverance to reach mastery. He knows, as we parents do, that to intervene is to abort the learning. We set our boundaries at significant injury...but our Father is not limited to fostering growth in this life. And so there are times -- too many, it seems to us -- when He allows death to teach us difficult but important lessons.

• Lessons of love and grace and mercy for those who suffer and for those who cannot stop the suffering of others.
• Lessons of faith and trust in the Ones who know fully rather than we who peer through a glass darkly.
• Lessons of justice and restoration and reconciliation and forgiveness that call us to step out past the pain and see a much bigger picture of our interconnectedness.

Jesus suffers with us because He has suffered and been tempted in all ways that humans experience...with one big difference.  He chose to suffer out of love for us. And He sits and suffers with each of us all day, every day...even as we are blind to our own suffering.  He calls for us to lean into His arms and know that we are fully loved -- even when we don't know what that means, exactly.  He calls us to love one another as He has loved us, to live in His love even as He lives in the Father's love. He bids us transcend our pain and suffering, taking up our cross and following Him. A yoke that is easy and a burden that is light.  Not because it is not difficult, but because He bears the burden with us.

The Holy Spirit -- who I call Grand Mother -- suffers with us in the being and knowing of who we really are and, more importantly, who we are becoming...according to our willingness to let Her guide and instruct us. To make disciples of our hearts and minds as She bids us let go of the lies we have believed about ourselves (and God!). Grand Mother calls us to be who we have been created to be...and She suffers when we cannot see ourselves -- and others -- with Their eyes.

To be is to suffer.

To suffer is to be called to grown and learn.

To suffer is to be called to bear one another's burdens.

To suffer is to be called to humbly give and receive help to and from one another.

To suffer is to be called to realize that we cannot know all the whys and hows.

To suffer is to be called to trust that God is actively at work, bringing good out of evil. The evil somehow must be suffered through...as we learn and grow and share and care for each other and this precious Creation in which we live.

Everyone is suffering, to some degree, pretty much all the time.  Even if there is an obvious source of pain, there will be other suffering that is not visible to our eyes. To try to measure whose suffering is worse than another's suffering is not a helpful exercise. Rather, choose to love and give the benefit of the doubt. See with the eyes of your heart...the one that is full of wounds than nobody else sees unless we choose vulnerability and transparency.

Pain and suffering is more than I can really wrap my brain around. But it helps me to know Those who see it all and know it all and have the whole mess under control as we muddle our way through the blood, sweat and tears...our own and one another's.

But every once in a while, I get a wee glimpse of what God is on about. The techniques of suffering may be the tools of discipline, but the will to consistently use those tools is what Peck calls love ... and I call cHesed: purposeful favor (grace) perpetually initiated (mercy) with deliberate affection (love).  

To the degree we trust God's cHesed for US, we will be able to endure the pain and suffering required to grow and help others grow.

If I don't ever write another post, this last one would see me through. Because this wee reality of ours cannot compare to the Reality in which Father, Son and Spirit dwell in Perichoretic cHesed -- the Great Dance into which Jesus bids us enter. Already we are to live in this Reality, even as it is not yet fully realized.  The paradox of the now/not yet is painful.

We suffer for a short while...but God is making all things new, in Their time, and I hear that it will make everything we have suffered worth it.  

I don't know how.  

It's a mystery.

Be blessed....

Abi

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Thanks to all the bloggers who participated this month. We hope you enjoy reading their posts!

K.W. Leslie – Synchrobloggery

Glenn Hager – Parting Shot

Clara Mbamalu – What is love?

Carol Kuniholm – A Final Synchroblog

Leah Sophia – Synchroblog: Creation One More Time

Jeremy Myers – If this were my only blog post, I would invite you to do one thing

J. A. Carter – Last Words

Tony Ijeh – Sharing Jesus

Liz Dyer – Last words about love

Abi's New Year's Eve Reflections

A Facebook post by Sarah Bessey asked for a word or phrase to sum up the year.  What popped into my head was:  Preserved to Persevere.

These were the words whispered into my heart earlier this year when I pondered the reason for so many horrific injuries, accidents and trauma visited on me (any my family) over the past 20 years, with an emphasis on the past five.

I had been preserved.

In the face of so many times when I could have been lost -- or more severely injured -- Death had been turned away.  No.  It is not her time...not yet.

Why?

We rarely find an acceptable answer for the "Why?" question...I had learned that lesson over the years from my Patron Saint:  Job.  This year was so hard I found myself back there...wondering why.  And the Spirit answered.

I had been preserved.

You will have heard me say "privilege is always given for a purpose" many times. So I wondered what purpose there was in the continued privilege of walking on this side of Kingdom Life.

I had been preserved to persevere.

There is to be no giving up or giving in....

Interestingly, I finished the year reading an amazing book. Neurological issues have severely limited my ability to read these past five years, so I knew this was a gift.  I read "Unbroken" by Laura Hillenbrand.  I totally recommend this book. But this story had been told from another angle. Louis Zamperini had written his autobiography earlier.  He talked about two things:  never give up and never give in.

Louis Zamperini knew what it meant to be preserved to persevere.

My wee story is nothing compared with his. What a remarkable man. But I think, if we will have eyes that see, that each of us can see how we have been preserved to persevere. Whatever obstacles are thrown in our path, we find a way to not give up or give in. But is not not easy and it is done one step at a time. In the moment, we can't see a way forward...but somehow we take one more step....

One step at a time, I have arrived at the end of this year. Tomorrow will bring 2015...and I do not know what the journey will look like.

But I will put my hand in the hand of God, every day. And Father, Son and Spirit will be to me better than light and safer than a known way.  Seven New Year's Eves now since that post...and still so much darkness. But I will persevere. And, even though it is clear that I knew I was not alone seven years ago, I have such a deeper sense of God's presence...of my participation in The Great Dance.

I will persevere...one day at a time...with 2015 being a bit of a 12 Step dance, I think. ;^)

Be blessed!

Abi

Abi and November's Synchroblog: Spiritual Abuse and Redemption

Updated update!  Kathy Escobar chimed in...better late than never, indeed! 

Update!  Scroll down to the bottom for the links for the rest of the posts....

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Hmmm...I have found it a bit challenging to write about a topic that still actively triggers me, but I have had a look at it from a couple perspectives lately, so here goes. This post is part of November's Synchroblog. Please do take time to go and read all the posts!

I think that the root of spiritual abuse stems from confusion: about who God is, about who we are, and about how to treat each other. Everyone is confused, on some level, about these three things. The problem is not that we are confused, but that we are unwilling to embrace self-awareness about it so that we can deal with our confusion effectively.

Spiritual abuse comes from two basic kinds of relational dysfunction:

1. Because I am confused about who God is, I am confused about who I am in relation to God and to Others. This confusion, if I am not vigilant to seek the Truth for myself, can make me vulnerable to being dominated by the convictions of others.
2. Because I believe I am right about who God is, I am self-righteous about who I am in relation to God and Others. This conviction makes me vulnerable to dominating others who remain in confusion.

In order for spiritual abuse to occur, you have to have both kinds of people:  the vulnerable and the dominant.  As Dr. Phil and Robin McGraw say: You teach people how to treat you.  The problem is that we usually teach this without realizing it. We give away our power to those we think are more competent to manage it. What we put up with is what we'll get.

But this is not a post about shame. It is a post about repentance and redemption. And it's something that we all need to engage with throughout our lives.  We never get past the need for repentance and redemption, because none of us are perfect.

As an aside, I think many Christians have problems here because they have misunderstood Sanctification as a state to be achieved instead of a process to embrace.  It is yet another example of the Already/Not Yet Paradox....

The late M. Scott Peck, MD, in his important book, The Different Drum, spoke about the four stages of spiritual growth.  One important insight is that as you grow, you have to choose to remember yourself as you were in the earlier stages so that you are able to relate to those still in those stages.  People who forget this tend to only relate to those in the last stage they passed through. Those who are farther back in the stages of growth will not only not relate to such a person...but will typically think they are evil.

One more morsel from Peck (see this post) that I think comes into play for this topic has to do with laziness. Peck came to see original sin as laziness:  “attempting to avoid necessary suffering, or taking the easy way out.”

The vulnerable and the dominant are both caught in the web of laziness.  Striving to know God and know yourself and others is the ultimate in necessary suffering. No one can do this work for us--we must embrace the struggle ourselves. Yes, we need companions on this journey, but we must each walk the path, step by step, ourselves...or we do not gain the strength, experience and stamina we need for relationship with God and Others.

To take the easy way out, to attempt to avoid this necessary suffering, misses the mark. It's sin.

For those who are confused and vulnerable, missing this mark can look like trying to find someone who will tell you what to think and do. These folks teach people to treat them like children who can't do things for themselves. They find their way to churches or other institutions that will give them boundaries and, for all intents and purposes, make their decisions for them. These churches or other institutions will, by definition, stunt the growth of these folks by encouraging them to cede their personal power and self-control.  It may seem benevolent, but it is still domination and it slowly steals Life.

For those who believe they are Sanctified (done deal) and Authorized to represent God, missing this mark can look like choosing programs and policies and procedures that control and standardize the thoughts and actions of others. These folks, intentionally or not, make others dependent on them rather than discipling them toward greater maturity. Resorting to power and control are actually attempts to take the easy way out by not really having to love and teach and correct personally in the context of authentic relationships.  "If you would just do what I tell you to do, everything would be fine." Or maybe not....

Now that I've sketched out spiritual abuse a bit, let's turn to redemption.


I have become more and more convinced that AA's 12 Step program is possibly the best foundation for discipleship, and certainly a good way to engage in the necessary suffering of growing up. Yes, it is a program, but it is one that brings persons into the hard work rather than shielding them. In the end, we are all addicts trying to recover from something!

The 12 steps, as outlined on the Realistic Recovery blog, are powerful.  Have you ever read them? Worked through some of the program? It is worth your time...and it is something that needs to be done with at least one other, preferably a mentor.

I would prefer a group of three:  someone I look up to as farther along the road, me, and someone who looks up to me. I think it is most balanced if someone is helping us up and we are helping someone up. Of course, these persons must be willing to engage the process with you and have already proven themselves to be trustworthy. It is not a small commitment, this....

The key to redemption is being willing to engage in the suffering that comes from honest  self-reflection.  And this is where Step #4 shines: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.  Yeah, when was the last time you did that?  Have you ever done it?

Take a look at this list of Character Defects and Assets...Looking at the Man (or Woman) in the Mirror.  One man, talking about processing Step #4, said that they were not able to look at the Assets until they had thoroughly processed the Defects...because it was too easy to fool themselves into thinking that they were not really that bad--all things considered. Our capacity for self deception is, sadly, enormous!

Again, this is not a guilt or shame exercise.  Rather, it is a courageous opportunity to look deeply at your character.  Of course, Step #s 5, 6 and 7 deal with those defects discerned, while #s 8 and 9 move to identifying who we have harmed through these defects and the making of amends, where possible.  Step # 10 commits to regular self-examination and promptly admitting defects as they are recognized.  This is what the process of Sanctification looks like, friends.  It is a life-long process.

Step # 11 commits to improve our conscious contact with God and # 12 commits to living life by these principles and sharing them with other addicts.  Yeah, sounds like the Jesus Creed, doesn't it?

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There are so many others who have developed such important works that will help with understanding spiritual abuse and redemption.  My friend, Brad FuturistGuy Sargent, is a fabulous place to start....

In the end, I believe the only way to approach spiritual abuse and redemption is to realize that we all participate in it, one way or another.  We have spots where we avoid necessary suffering and take the easy way out. We have spots when we use our power to control others so we don't have to do the hard work of confrontation and correction. We have spots where we submit to the power and control of others so we don't have to do the hard work of being confronted and corrected.

If you have been abused, seek help as you process the pain...you are not alone and guilt and shame will not bind your wounds. If someone speaks to you with words of guilt and shame, RUN! Look for resources to help you. Be gentle with yourself, because the process of grief can be intense and last longer than you might think.  God can handle your emotions....

If you have witnessed abuse, wake up and look for those who are hurting and come to them with listening ears. Hear their story fully. Bear their pain with them in silence, without inflaming it with your own emotions. Honor their trust with fidelity. Your presence is more important than any words you might want to say. Be patient and do not press them beyond what they are willing to share.

If you have been abusive, gather up the courage to STOP and confess it to God. Follow the 12 Steps. Get deep into Step #4. Look into the options offered on the other posts in this Synchroblog. Find someone who will walk with you as you embrace the necessary suffering of repentance, confession, reparation and, if possible, reconciliation.  Let God's redemption drill down into your soul, to drain the swamp and clean up your soul.

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We teach each other how to treat us...but we need to learn a better way.  I call that way Perichoretic cHesed. The 12 Steps are a particularly lovely theme of The Great Dance.

Whether we like it or not, the human condition is wrapped up in suffering because growing is painful -- physically, emotionally, spiritually, relationally. But this is the sweetest of pains, because our dancing partner is Jesus. Are you draging him along in your dreadful dance, or are you letting him lead you in The Great Dance?

Life is a long list of Necessary Losses:  the loves, illusions, dependencies and impossible expectations that all of us have to give up in order to grow. Trying to cheat and avoid the pain of these necessary losses leads to all manner of chaos and destruction. That way dragons lie....

Be blessed as you journey. Do not think that you go alone, for Father, Son and Spirit are always with you. But do find companions to hold your left hand and your right hand as you go, because we're all in this together.

Abi

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Here are the links to the reset of the posts in the Synchroblog:

• Justin Steckbauer – The Servant Leader: A Radical Concept
• Mary – Can I Get A Doctor?
• Glenn Hager – The Man Of God Myth
• Lisa – Forgive
• Jeremy Myers – Reconciling Mark Driscoll
• Peggy Brown – Abi and November’s Synchroblog: Spiritual Abuse and Redemption
  
• Edwin Pastor FedEx Aldrich – Shooting Stars: Of Scandal, Abuse, Restoration, and Systematic Failures
• Tara – Forgive Us Our Sins As We Forgive Those…
• Liz Dyer – Sorry

Abi ponders privilege and purpose....

There has been something that keeps coming back to me these past few months, as I have been pondering patriarchy and the purpose of God.  It is something that one of my college professors, Dr. Knofel Staton, used to just hammer into us:  Privilege is given for a purpose.  If the purpose is abandoned, the privilege is no longer valid.

God called Abram to be the Father of the Hebrew people.  Not because Abram was exceptional, but because God was faithful. The Hebrew people were set apart as God's chosen people.  Not because they were exceptional, but because God was faithful. God was, as Baxter Kruger so frequently says, preparing the Womb of the Incarnation.

Abram, when his name was changed to Abraham, became the first of the great patriarchs:  Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Each of these men were deeply flawed in character, but God was faithful.  They were given privilege in order for the purposes of God to be accomplished.  When they held to the privilege and lost sight of the purpose, things did not go well.

In those times we saw the cHesed of God move to prevent disaster in what we call wrath. Wrath, since it is an aspect of cHesed (love, grace, mercy), does not strike without warning.  Those on whom wrath is visited usually know they have strayed.  (I think Job may be one exception.)

The patriarchs and the prophets and the priests and the kings of the Hebrew people frequently had problems keeping their privilege aligned with the purpose of YHWH. They too often became enamored of the glory and honor that accompanied the privilege...and not only forgot the purpose, but frequently they abused their privileged positions.

When the fullness of time had come, and the Womb of the Incarnation was fully prepared, Jesus took up human flesh in order to dwell among humans and bring about their Adoption--which, by the way, has always been the purpose.

Jesus--by his words and deeds--gave notice to the patriarchs and prophets and priests and kings that their time of privilege was coming to an end. The Holy Spirit was about to be poured out upon all flesh, and Father, Son and Spirit would dwell within each of us.  We would become a Royal Priesthood for King Jesus and God would hold the title of Father in the Kingdom of God.

Throughout history there have been those who continue to grasp tightly to the privileged positions which Jesus set aside. Clearly they had not understood...they did not wish to understand...they were unable to understand.  The mind that is not renewed by the power of the Holy Spirit remains darkened and confused. And so history is cluttered with those who would claim privileged positions given by God...but who used their privilege for their own, or others, purposes and call them God's purpose.  Multitudes of the abused cry out against their abuses.

Surely, I do not need to list out the abuses of the Popes, bishops, priests, kings, nobles, officers, leaders...those who used their privilege to deprive others of their privilege as Children of God and Joint Heirs with Jesus.

I mourn the millennia of abused and confused privilege...and rejoice where it has been rectified by the work of the Holy Spirit.  There is, unfortunately, much work yet to be done.

Happily, the Word of the Lord does not return void.  This victory is already won...but it has not yet been fully realized.

May we each, in our own way, be beacons of the Kingdom...where all are brothers and sisters in Christ and only Jesus is Lord and God is Father...where the purpose of reconciliation and restoration can only be delayed but not thwarted.

We walk in suffering solidarity on this journey with those oppressed by the hand of men who hold to a privilege that has been rescinded because its purpose has already been accomplished.  May they see that there is a new task set before us by the Master....

Patience is a difficult discipline, but our God is full of love and grace and mercy for us as They walk the path with us.

Be blessed...

Abi's Graphic Wound...be forewarned!

Update!  On April 11th, I was back at the "scene" with my youngest son -- and had him take pictures of the log (which is about 4' long) with a close up of the infamous "stump" that did the damage...that's his hand (which is the same size as mine) there to show you just how big that sucker is!  I am in the midst of Week 10...and the healing sure seems slow!  Months more to go....

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This picture, taken on Day 5, seems to show me taking this purple martyrdom a bit too far...and the extent of this bruise grew for two more days, until it covered the entire back of my right thigh.

...but this is week six since the sledding accident that saw me impaled on the broken-off branch of a hidden log.  Lesson:  trailblazers can get hurt!

And yet, there is a deeper lesson...

...one that is learned after the bruising is gone, and the sutures are removed, and all the scabs have fallen away:  the wound that cannot be seen, yet was the deepest and most dangerous, is far from healed.

But it looks so much better!  Yeah, looks can be deceiving....

I still cannot sit down or put any pressure on the back of my right thigh.

Really...after six weeks?

The doctor says it may take three month for the internal wound to just stabilize...and six months to finish reconstruction...and nine months for full range of motion...and a year or more for strength and the lessening of the scar tissue and any accompanying adhesions. Ugh!

I have never had a wound like this...it's exhausting.  But I am going to be well in time. And I am going to remember these lessons. The sharp stabs and the aching and the shocks as nerves reconnect.  And I will marvel at the brilliance of God's creative masterpiece with humility and gratitude....

So that when I see the wounds of others, I will remember the deep pain. I will listen to their pain and frustration. I will remember how long it takes to heal.

And I will shed tears of seeing over them. So they will know they are not invisible. Their pain is seen with gentle eyes that know woundedness.

And I will not make them have to ask for my help. To see if they can do things for themselves. There will be hours and days when they have no one to pamper them...when they will have to spend so much energy just shifting to be comfortable in bed that they break out into a sweat.

No, no...love that submits to their needs with deliberate affection, and grace that serves with unmerited favor, and mercy that initiates kindness mutually owed...this is what perichoretic cHesed does when one's beloved is in need.

But more than what small comfort I can give, I hope to remind them that our amazing God -- Father, Son and Spirit -- are I AM THAT I AM. They are the Present Presence...always there with us in our pain and suffering. Not to save us from our suffering, but to walk through it with us.

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You still have time, during this season of Lent, to pick up Penelope Wilcock's lovely and insightful book, The Wilderness Within You. I finished it yesterday and am going back to make notes of the many profound insights she shares. I picked up Present Presence from this book...and it has been such a bit of comfort to me! This is a woman who gets it -- and I am grateful to have her friendship.

Be blessed!

Abi and Brokenness....

Updated...see below!

I have written about Oprah a couple of times.  I have tremendous respect for her, although I do not agree with everything she says or does.  That's normal, I think.  If you have problems with Oprah, I humbly ask you to suspend disbelief (J.R.R. Tolkien's lovely term) long enough to hear what I'm saying.  You'll be okay.

Anyway, today's lead article in her Spirit Newsletter struck me as timely.  It came as an answer to a fervent prayer.  It is not perfect, either; but it gave me several bits of encouragement.  These I will share with you. Some come right out of the article, others are my thoughts that came from reading.  Please read the original article first, if you haven't already ... the rest of this post will still be here when you get back.  Go ahead; it's not very long.  ;^)

Here's the stream of consciousness that made me get out my pen and paper and capture some thoughts:

• Everyone is broken from time to time.  Um, this would resonate with the abbess of the purple martyrdom.
• Breaking is necessary for enlargement.  I could write an entire series on this profound thought.
• Enlargement comes by being present in all ways, in all directions. I struggle with this and I am astounded by the variety of ways this little gem keeps popping up in my journey.
• Being present is the practice of holding nothing back.  Dr. Brown would call this part of the courage that comes from being wholehearted.  Her thoughts have been echoing Dr. Kruger's thoughts, especially his teaching on the "I am not..." problem, which she states as "Never enough."  Profound.

He then gives four steps to finding wholeness and health and growth:

Accept the weather

• It is what it is....
• Every "crack" is an opening
• ...The Light of Jesus, there in the deepest darkness in our souls, shines out through our cracks.  Makes me think of this passage.
• ...What is opened is always more important that what breaks us.
• ...Don't get stuck in your list of legitimate grievances.  Yeah, this is very big.

Lean into the tender places

• Letting the wind of life rush in and tough the tender spots is the beginning of resilience.  This is very deep and I'm still processing it....

What kind of "part" am I in what kind of "whole"?  This is the whole "identity crisis" issue, right here!

• My response:  I am a daughter of the Heavenly Father, sister to Jesus, the Father's Eternal Son, and dancing partner with the Holy Spirit in the Life of the Blessed Trinity.
• This Truth is foundational and is what has been undermined by the "I am not..." and "Never enough" curse of human culture.  Sigh...it is pernicious!
• When blinded by the pain and darkness, I need to remember to look for the Light shining through those broken, cracked spots.
• ...Embrace what can emerge by allowing Jesus to clean away the broken bits.
• ...Sometimes we emerge like those beautiful Oriental bowls that have been repaired with gold....
• ...Sometimes we emerge like butterflies struggling to escape from their cocoon. Transformation is often mistaken for rejection or heresy by those who do not have eyes to see what the Spirit has been doing.

Look beyond the broken

• In each of us, the Holy Spirit has planted a unique seed.  Different seeds go through different processes of germination.  They remain dormant until the time and environment are right ... the fullness of time, as it were.
• ...what is too dry for some is just right for others
• ...what is to warm for some is not hot enough for others
• ...what is nutrient-dense to some is too rich for others

Sometimes I think I am one of those seeds that need a hot fire to neutralize my cocoon of enzymes and allow the seed to germinate.  Yeah, burning down the forest is not a good time. but if that is the only way to awaken the sleeping life inside my soul....

Be blessed as you persevere on your journey.  

• May the Light shine through the cracks of your broken heart. 

• May the Light that is in you overpower the whispered evil of the "I am not...never enough" that has flourished in your darkened soul.

• May the sweet burn of the cleaning pool restore you to your True Identity after Aslan's powerfully sharp claws have torn away the knobby dragon hide that imprisoned you.  Love C.S. Lewis!  Do you know Eustace?  (And, yes, I will forever be sorry that they did not put that powerful scene in the movie of The Voyage of the Dawn Treader....)   Update:  you can listen to the chapter here!

• May the great I AM embrace you in Their cHesed and gently lead you into Their Great Dance.

Abi's 300th post....

Just when I thought I was moving into lighter shades of purple...my eldest and I were in a horrific accident on Saturday.  By the grace of God, our lives were spared and we are in the process of determining how much injury we sustained.  But I saw Papa's fingerprints of mercy everywhere and am awed by his love for us.

I have a busy couple of weeks ahead, dealing with doctors and insurance stuff...and the search for a replacement for the trusty vehicle that gave it's all to save our lives....


So, my interrupted posting schedule will continue to be interrupted for a bit longer.

Be blessed ... and remember that defensive driving saves lives!

Abi and The Open Table Conference

It has been almost seven years since I attended the Missional Orders conference at Seabeck, Washington -- out of which this blog was birthed!  To say that I have gone through enormous changes during these seven years would be the grossest of understatements.

What is interesting, though, it to see how much I "knew" -- even just a few months ago, even -- that seems, well, rather Greek in it's knowing about ... instead of Hebrew and it's knowing by experience. We never do stop growing in our understanding.  There is so much to be experienced on this journey in Jesus -- in ways that we have not experienced before.  I am learning, still, to relax....

I spent this past weekend in Oregon's central desert with an interesting and eclectic group of folks at The Open Table Conference.  This was my first conference since Seabeck ... and it was just as (if not more, actually) life changing.

I did not know what to expect.  I only knew that Papa was asking me to just go.  I'm not sure exactly what my expectations were, but I tried to lean into the living verb and wait in expectancy for what Grandmother had waiting for me.

One of the things I learned at Seabeck, which was sponsored by Alan Roxburg's Allelon, was the importance of listening to one another.  (Allelon is Greek for "one another".)  They had a saying that remains so meaningful to me:  "Listening one another into free speech."

I don't know about you, but sometimes this very extroverted Abbess doesn't really know what she thinks about something until she is able to talk out loud.  This requires someone to listen.  And we humans tend to be less than stellar listeners.  Sigh....

One of the things I received this past weekend was the opportunity to listen and be listened to.

First thing Saturday morning, I was talking with Marilyn and Gordon ... and the next thing I knew, I was telling them things most would not be comfortable hearing.  Especially as related to my string of horrible injuries leading up the the last one four years ago.  The one I affectionately call The Fall...

Marilyn's ears perked up and she said:  "You haven't had just a concussion.  You have a TBI."  She and Gordon began to ask about problems that I was having without my saying anything.  Wow...it is truly rare to talk with someone who knows what I'm dealing with.  Their son fell from a horse 17 years ago, and they have been walking this harrowing journey with him.  Their encouragement alone made the trip worthwhile....

The worst part of most of my injuries has been that they are not necessarily visible -- or not for long.  But the cumulative effect of these injuries over the past 13 years has been fairly overwhelming ... because folks have a hard time understanding that the process of healing can be very slow.  I am in year four of this particular mid-brain TBI ... and have realized that I had suffered seven head injuries in my life -- at least two of which would also be considered mild TBIs.  It sometimes takes 10 years for even a mild TBI to resolve.  If you know someone suffering this way, be gentle with them....

Under the wonderful care of my homeopath and my chiropractic neurologist, I have truly made remarkable progress.  But I have come to a kind of crossroad of my own:  my level of stress has been so high that my brain is unable to heal...and it actually being damaged by the over-stimulation that comes from being in a fairly constant mode of Fight or Flight.  The reasons are many and I'll not burden you with them...but I did have to do something to bring the stress down.

Into this place of chaos, Papa brought Baxter Kruger and his series called "In".  I have already shared about his amazing book, The Shack Revisited.  Now he has released his Study Guide.  I can't wait to work through it!

Anyway, please download his "In" series -- I don't know how long it will remain up on his website -- I have been listening to it since the end of February.  Sometimes daily.  Do this while you're waiting for your copy of the book to be delivered (unless, like me, you got the Kindle version)....

Building on the important work of Wayne Jacobsen, Paul's and Baxter's work have helped Sarayu make another significant shift in my journey.  What I so appreciate about all three of these men is that they are humble and hold their knowledge and experience gently.  They want to encourage you in your journey with Father, Son and Spirit -- they don't want to be your leader.

Baxter, in person and in his writings, is my kind of folk:  say it simple with as little religious jargon as possible.  Having listened to him for so long, I can "hear" him in his books.  Love that....  I am so very grateful for you, Brother Baxter!

Anyway ... I am processing so much right now that I am a bit in overload -- and my brain is complaining!  But I did want to post this update and let you know how grateful I am for the faithful cHesed of the blessed Trinity.

More later....

...oh, yeah -- my eldest son graduates from high school this Friday, so it's a little busy around here.

Be blessed!

Abi ponders Peck, Post #4

Okay ... I finished the book last night.  And got my copies of Peck's People of the Lie in the mail and started the the first few chapters.  It all came flooding back.  The hard work of looking at the truth that we would go to amazing lengths not to see is very difficult.  So much so that an increasing number of people are choosing to take the easy way out.  Laziness rears its ugly head....

I am not going to discuss this book here.  The topic requires much more respect and discernment from those who have read the book in its entirety.  There is much to be misunderstood and I believe that there is no easy way to understand what Peck has labored to share.  You must read it for yourself.  But if you have read it, I will be happy to discuss it with you....you may leave your contact information in the comments here.

I have to say that both of these books are important reads.  For two main reasons:

1. Peck is looking to be the bridge between religion and science ... from the science side as a gifted thinker and physician, and from the religion side as a mystic and seeker who got all the way through the seeking to the finding.  And he did, in fact, find Jesus.  His embrace of Jesus as Messiah was complete.  Now, there will be those who will not agree with some of his theology.  Go and do your own searching before you turn away.  Tolkien's call to "suspend disbelief" in order to understand fully comes to mind here.  The unfortunate rift that was torn in the whole cloth of Truth, in order to take the "mystery" out of science is in need of restoration -- the divorce of the natural from the supernatural -- and Peck was ahead of his time on that front.  I find his books to include more than a pinch of the much needed salt of humility.  He was, indeed, a Cracked Eikon ... and we would do well to heed his example of looking at the Truth head on so that we may learn from our myriad mistakes.
2. What passes for "calling out evil" these days seems quite pathetic to me.  This is probably where I will do the most pondering in subsequent posts -- most likely because it is really a byproduct of sloppy thinking and deficient discernment concerning ethics and morality.  Too often we call "immoral" that which is not aligned with what we think or desire ... and "ethics" is becoming a form of Political Correctness.  If we are to return these important disciplines to their rightful place, we are going to have to spend time thinking deeply on root issues, not sidetracked by circumstances and emotions and talking points.

 There is much evil running rampant all around us.  Until we are willing to look in the mirror and deal with our own evil -- our own laziness -- our own unwillingness to exert ourselves for the best interest of the other ... we will continue to be blinded by the plank in our own eye and so unable to help the other with the speck that is troubling them.

One of the things Peck says is that human evil is basically concerned with taking the wide path, as it were.  When confronted with difficulties (whether relationally or economically or physically or spiritually or intellectually), the choice always exists:  (a) do I take the narrow path of love and discipline -- of my heart and soul and mind and strength -- wherever it leads and do what is right ... or (b) to take the wide path, the easy way, where my problem are not really MY problems that I must wrestle with and allow the Holy Spirit to both convict and instruct and heal -- but someone else's problems that relieve me of responsibility for my actions, or inaction.

Take a minute to read Matthew 7 ... the whole chapter.  If you have time, read the entire Sermon on the Mount.  Make this a regular practice, reading the Sermon on the Mount.  Read it in a different version every day.

In the end Peck says that we cannot deal with human evil "out there" until we deal with the evil in our own hearts ... where we allow the Holy Spirit access to the shadows in order to shine the Light of Truth and dispel the lies than ensnare us.  Only then can we look unblinking at our own laziness and ask for Jesus to disciple us.  To teach us.  To work the hardest of work in our own hearts.

This is another aspect of The Purple Martyrdom ... this work within.

The reason that there are so many monastic traditions that have these three chapters as the foundation of their rule is that they have an understanding of this important personal work that must be embraced and walked every day of their lives.  Every day.  There is no end to this discipleship ... until until we are fully conformed to the image of Jesus. When we are released from this body of death and are clothed in the imperishable, that work will be complete.

Embrace it ... there are those who will journey with you on that narrow path.  There will, no doubt, be many more "Peck Posts" ... stay tuned.  And better yet ... get the book for yourself and follow along!

Be blessed.

May Synchroblog -- Letting go....

While I've been working on my perichoresis series off-line, I have been seeing the many posts pop up for this month's synchroblog.  And even though I have not even been able to read one of them yet, I finally felt this morning that this wee, purple abbess needed to chip in a few words.

Those of you who have wandered through the posts here know that I have been letting go of ever so many things over the past few years ... but today I just want to say that the most important thing that I have had to let go (and let go again and again and again) is the desire for the approval of man.

When I have been concerned over the approval of man, my ability to listen to the voice of the Spirit and follow the example of Jesus in being obedient to the Father's will has been compromised.

I'm not talking about the approval of the "worldly culture" here ... I'm talking about the church culture that has been institutionalized.  (If you want to get a better understanding of what it means to be institutionalized, watch The Shawshank Redemption -- as Red talks about what happened to Brooks, and again at his last parole board hearing.)

I'm looking forward to reading The Faith of Leap, by Hirsch and Frost ... as I'm pretty sure this will be part of what they're talking about....

Letting go of the approval of man in favor of the approval of God is risky business in the church.  Turning away from the security of conformity to the conventions of man in order to embrace the risky freedom of being love by God, loving God in return, and loving others as ourselves is not for the faint of heart, it seems.

While there are many things that could use letting go, I have found that as I let go of this one -- the approval of man -- there are many others that fall away almost without thinking.  When we live in the reality of the cHesed of God, his love and grace and mercy set us free so that we may live full.

It's like that old story of the monkey with his hand in the peanut jar ... stuck because he has grabbed a fist full of peanuts and so can no longer slide his hand out of the jar opening.  Only when he lets go of the peanuts can he escape ... and then learn that he can get the peanuts out by dumping the jar out.  The prisons we get caught in by holding on greedily to that which has been freely given, eh?

Peace to you all ... and may our Father give you the courage to let go of whatever is keeping you stuck.

...and I am sorry that I have not posted all the other synchroblog posts.  I think you can find them here.  [Note on 5/16...updated the link.  Sorry about that :^(  ]

Abi

The Abbess and the Prodigal Prophet....

Back on May 15, 2010, I ran across an interesting post by Dylan Morrison, whose

...story is a cross between ‘The Wizard of Oz’ and  ’The Pilgrim’s Progress’ – a roller-coaster journey through a maze of religious belief. I’ve been a zealous Evangelical, Charismatic Christian, a disillusioned agnostic, a burnt-out school teacher, psychology devotee and more recently the receiver of two profound spiritual experiences. I feel a deep empathy with all those who’ve been damaged by religion of all varieties, especially those led by charismatic gurus whether Christian, Islamic or Eastern. I believe that when all the irrelevant bath water is thrown out, a deeply precious and profound ‘baby’ is left.

which led me to a PDF version of his autobiography.  I read his story with a sad sense of "been there, done that" ... and many of you who know of my interest in spiritual abuse will find his blog and book both familiar and yet fresh.

I have found the posts on his blog thought provoking and appreciate the opportunity to ponder things some might consider, well, AbiNormal.... ;^).  This wee purple abbess certainly resonated with a book described as "A story of hope for those in pain."

After almost a year now, after final tweaking was finished, Dylan's book has been published.  Hurray!  Congratulations to Dylan on making his book wildly available to all budgets and styles:  in ebook format (and the array of ebook formats supported is awesome), and at Amazon in paperback (do read the reviews at Amazon.com) and Kindle.  Well done, indeed!


For those of you who enjoy the wonderful artistry of The Naked Pastor, you will be interested to know that the cover for the book is the work of Canadian artist David Hayward, whom Dylan regards a true soul brother.

Just as I say so very often:  everyone has a story that is worth hearing.  Some struggle with the telling of their story.  I am grateful that Dylan chose to share his story, told so very well, with the rest of us on this journey.

Be blessed.

Abi

The Abbess and Triads ... again!

I find it interesting that there are so many things that come in threes, don't you?

Recently I have been pondering what is essential, in terms of covenant community ... as I await the unfolding of the vision that is CovenantClusters.  Those of you who know me know that I am a cHesed girl ... someone who views everything through cHesed glasses.  Purple ones, at that!

But Papa has been broadening my focus ... and it started almost two years, when I met Wayne Jacobsen.  I have been pondering deeply what it means to live loved by our Father, and I have finally begun to, as Wayne says, relax into that love.  Relaxing is something that "driven" people frequently have problems doing....

Last Thursday (as I was revisiting Robert Bank's book, Paul's Idea of Community) I began to write some of my thoughts down together ... and realized that they would become this post.  I titled it " The order of understanding the gospel's power and purpose, as it is manifest in the already/not yet reality that is life in the Kingdom of God."  Clearly, too long a title for a blog post....  ;^)

Anyway ... it turned out to be another triad!  A triad consisting of a What, a How, and a Who.

But I am getting ahead of myself....

First, we have the What.  What is the first and foremost aspect of the gospel?  It is that God loves us.  God loves us so much that, even when we did not know him, he was hard at work implementing The Plan--the one where we become part of God's community.  We are to don our dancing shoes and join Father/Son/Holy Spirit in the Divine Dance ... the perichoresis that is the Eternal interpenetrating relationship that weaves its way between the Three-in-One and results in the accomplishment of God's Will.  We who are "in Christ" dance as part of His Body -- as His Bride, with whom he shares the "one flesh" mystery that is marriage.  It is part of the biblical construct called "covenant" ... and it is the primary context for all things concerning God.  It is the environment in which relationships exist.

If you do not know the reality of this love ... cannot relax into this love so as to live loved each moment by Papa ... then everything else suffers terribly and becomes distorted.

But there is a remedy for that distortion!  They're part of the second in our triad.

Second, we have the How.  There is no way for us to truly understand the Truth in the reality that God loves us without help.  Lots of help.  But, no worries ... this help comes to us in the partner of covenant:  covenant keeping.  I have come to understand and experience this through the richly nuanced Hebrew concept of cHesed:  looking out for the best interest of the other, according to the covenant.  To keep covenant is to do cHesed.  God's love is shown through cHesed.  Our love for God and others is shown through cHesed, too.

cHesed is, in effect, the glory of Love [apologies to Peter Cetera].  It is the visible manifestation of the reality of Love ... and none who are in its presence are unchanged or unaffected.  Love is the primary descriptor for God:  God is love.  God loves us with an everlasting, faithful, love.  (See #1 above.)

We receive God's love as a gift through the Holy Spirit -- actually as the gift of the Holy Spirit!  Those who accept God's love, as made known in and through Jesus, are "in Christ" because Christ has come inside them as the Holy Spirit ... another of the great mysteries of God.  And it is through the Holy Spirit that we learn the attitudes and actions of love, grace and mercy ... the components of cHesed.  We learn about God's faithful love, amazing grace, and gentle mercy for us -- so that we may show love and grace and mercy to ourselves and to others.

Third, we have the Who.  The right response to God's love/cHesed is to accept the covenant and keep the terms and conditions agreed to by the parties:  to love with deliberate affection in submission to the partner's need, to give grace as unmerited favor that serves the partner at their point of need, and to show mercy as kindness mutually owed to ensure that the partner succeeds in keeping covenant.

It boils down to what Scot McKnight calls the Jesus Creed.  (If you wanted, you could go through my 40 Days Living the Jesus Creed for lent series!)  What Dr. McKnight has coined as the Jesus Creed: Loving God. Loving Others, is the answer Jesus gave to the question:  what is the most important commandment? 

The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’  The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these. [Mark 12:29-31]

When we try to get more "specific (read:  legalistic) about what it means to love God and love others than doing cHesed, we can usurp the role of the Holy Spirit to teach and prompt us toward maturity.  When we have laws/lists, there can be perceived "loopholes" -- where the letter of the law is kept, but the spirit of the law is transgressed against.

With cHesed, it is very simple.  If you miss the target (looking out for the best interest of the other, according to the covenant), you have sinned.  Sin requires confession, repentance, forgiveness, reconciliation and restoration.  The greatest part of the Good News is that Jesus has perfect aim ... and the more we relax into his love, the more the Holy Spirit will be able to guide our aim.  Sin is not the boogey man ... just a fact of the "not yet" reality of Kingdom living -- one that has been completely dealt with by Jesus.  We just need to "take our medicine" when we take our eyes off the Target!

Triads ... this Triadial Abbess loves them!  God's Love is the what, Holy Spirit-empowered cHesed is the how, and living the Jesus Creed:  Loving God, Loving Others is the who.  This is the Gospel as well as the repeating cycle of maturity, eh?  Reminds me of a spiral stairway to heaven...just keep walking, one step at a time.

Sure ... there's more and more nuances concerning God's love and life in the Kingdom that we learn and understand as we get higher up on the stairway.  But if you don't get this triad right, the journey is so much more dark and difficult ... and peace and joy so much harder to find.

Today, I'm leaning into Papa's love for me and allowing the Holy Spirit to transform and inspire my love for Jesus and those that cross my path.  It keeps me plenty busy! ;^)

Be blessed.

Wandering with a Waiting Abbess....

I am happy to be inspired to contribute to the December Synchroblog - Advent As A Journey.  I am still relatively new to the whole idea of "Advent" ... coming from what I have learned is a "low church" background.  Once I got over feeling slighted...  :^) ... I've enjoyed embracing this -- and many other "high church" traditions.  But, of course, in my special "abi-normal" manner!

My third year with Advent (you might have noticed that I did not blog through Advent last year ... I was, well, journeying through it) finds me in a very different place in my Journey with Jesus.

As I have been deconstructing "religion" over the past few years, my journey has been one of asking hard questions and being willing to be led out into a kind of desert detour -- where the bustle of life does not intrude so much and the heart is better able to hear that still, small voice of our amazing Papa.

No one comes out of a desert detour without being changed.  I am no exception.  I would also suggest that no two desert detours are the same journey ... for that is one of the things I have learned over the past four years:  just as each of us are unique, our journey with our Triune God is unique.  Formulaic responses are less than satisfactory.

This, then, is my Advent of Reconstruction.  I have pretty much finished deconstructing my religious experience and have begun reconstructing my relationship with Jesus ... as sister and as part of his Bride, the Church.

But there is an interesting leg of the journey between "de" and "re" construction.

Grief ... mourning ... letting go of all the expectations which have disappointed -- sometimes enslaved -- my heart and kept me from joining the Great Dance. 

Part of the problem is that I did not have dancing shoes.  Or, more precisely, I did not take off my steel-toed shoes necessary for the process of demolition, where dangerous pieces of brokenness threatened harm.  I was nearing the end of my desert detour when I realized that I had been slogging through the desert in battle boots!  How they slowed my steps, draining my energy, tripping me up with their "protection."

Then, I arrived at an oasis.  With a lovely pool of water.  How I longed to put my tired, aching, dusty feet into that inviting pool.  But like Eustace-the-Dragon, Aslan needed to "undress" me ... lest I foul the water.  So Jesus helped me take off my boots.  He drew water from the pond and washed away years of caked-on debris.  My feet were so refreshed that I no longer needed to wade in the water.  And then he did the most amazing thing:  he brought me dancing shoes.  Beautiful, purple (of course!) satin shoes.  Shoes that will not wear out -- like the sandals of the Hebrew people in the desert -- because they are Eternal shoes.  They are shoes made by the Spirit / Sarayu.  They ARE because God perceives them.  They are Kairos shoes ... and like Dorothy's Ruby Slippers, they can take me Home at any time ... when I understand their power.

So, this Advent, I am journeying in my new purple dancing shoes.

I have put all white candles in my Advent Candelabra ... because I am embracing a life of greater and greater simplicity ... and I could not find the right colors this year as I did back in 2007 ... and Papa helped me see that the color of the candles is not important.

This year, we are going through Advent with the Mosaic Bible ... in a relaxed and simple time before dinner.  (I am excited to go through the entire year with this wonderful tool.  It is a very Ancient/Future kind of thing!)

Last week we read and thought about Longing -- Waiting for the treasure that Jesus is.  We talked about how some things just take a long time.  (Like grieving the loss of everything familiar that you had built your life around -- beware the process of deconstruction, it will tear down more than you are expecting!)

And this week we read and thought about Hope -- Hoping for Hope that shines like a light in the darkness.  We talked about how difficult it is to wait for things we really want ... and that sometimes we just have to hope for enough hope to be able to wait until the time is right.

So, this wee abbess is grateful that the Waiting of Deconstruction and Mourning is passing ... and is Hoping for the Hope that comes with her new purple dancing shoes.  (Perhaps now the Spirit will release me to write about Perichoresis ... that Great Dance!)

Hope does not disappoint us, because our Hope is not in people or religion or any other human ideas or institution.  Our Hope is in the Lord Jesus Christ ... for whose birth the whole of creation longed, waiting until the fullness of time had come.

As each of us wait, may we all come to realize that the fullness of time is unique to each of us as we journey with our God.  May you wait patiently for your dancing shoes ... I hope to see you in yours in the Great Dance.

Be blessed....

Three years later, Abi is still blogging ... kind of

I am hoping that I will return to regular blogging soon.  However, I didn't want the day to pass without saying what a terrific experience blogging has been for me these past three years ... and will continue to be, I hope.
 
Mostly, I have continued dwelling deeply in the blending of the Mosaic Bible and the Celtic Daily Prayer ... facilitated by the memory card in my LG cell phone, onto which I have saved the mp3 versions I purchased of Peterson's "The Message" and Northumbria's sung version of their "Daily Office" (which also includes the spoken version)... along with Tyndale's Bible Alive NLT (although I am not much of a fan of Stephen Johnston.)

Sometimes my youngest climbs it bed with me to sing the Morning Prayer ... if I start before 7am and he is awake.  MidDay  and Evening Prayer are more challenging, but I am going along at a slow but steady pace in this new discilpine.  It has become especially precious to me to go to sleep with the thoughts of Compline floating around in my heart ... and I find that I fall sleep more quickly and rest more refreshingly.  I am grateful for both results.

I have also been listening frequently to The Message's Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7) ... and am being slowly changed by a focus on these foundational words of Jesus.  I'll have more to say about that one of these days.

I just this week read an amazing little book -- the first in a 3-part fiction series -- called "The Hawk and the Dove" -- about the very purple abbot at a Benedictine abbey in the 1300s.  I am not done processing the surprising and profound resonance I experienced and am feeling very much in common with Father Peregrine.  I have ordered the entire 3-in-1 book set, as well as another book from the author, Penelope Wilcock.  I hope I get some other stuff done before they arrive.... ;^)

I have joined a local Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) for the first offering of a new study on Isaiah.  While I am not crazy about all their hermeneutics and structure, I am happy to be studying Isaiah in this kind of depth ... as well as encouraging my Mother-In-Law as she returns to BSF after not having one nearby for years.  My hopes, other than a better familiarity with Isaiah, are that Papa will use this time to help me become a better listener and to be more restrained in what I say and how much I say.  This is a very important discipline for me....and I think that Papa may be bringing me a new friend in my discussion group.

Mostly, I find that I am being asked to move away from reading and talking (even blogging!) about what it means to follow Jesus -- and get on with the business of living it.  As always, I am grateful for your company on this journey.

Be blessed!

Thoughts on Women and Men who "Get" Relationship

Processing lots of thoughts these days...and entered the discussion over at Jesus Creed today.  Scot wonders why studies consistently show that women are more religious than men, and I responded this way:

Perhaps it is that women believe that God both hears and understands them and values them enough to offer intimate relationship and personal empowering by the indwelling of the Holy Spirit.

They might also believe Paul (following Jesus) when he talks about how men are to behave:  laying down their lives for their wives, as Christ did for the church.  This is something that engenders hope where there is frequently despair and oppression.

There are men who want to view Jesus through a power/command paradigm, and so are drawn to religion.  There are also some who get the servant nature of God, and are drawn to relationship.

But it is really true that woman "get" relationship more readily than men ... and so resonate with a God who is so devoted to relationship as to embody frail humanity in order to live among us.

Men who value being loved unconditionally while being drawn to Jesus as the example of being fully human are, in my experience, the ones who embrace and encourage the sisters to fully engage in the life that God offers us in Jesus.

Dying to self is not for wimps.  Neither is giving birth and raising children.  Marriage is the first relationship where God asks us to die to self.  Parenting is the next step.  God is the perfect model for both relationships -- walking the talk in earth in the body of Jesus.

Taking things one moment at a time -- trying to live in kairos time with Papa, knowing that this is the only way I'll survive chronos time with those around me.

Be blessed....

Oh, and while I'm at it, stay tuned for the release of Wiki2.  I am excited to finally see it.  What I've been hearing sounds awesome.

Abi and The Great Sadness

I have recently gone back to read The Shack a second time -- two years after my friend, Annette, loaned me her copy and said that I must read it.  This time I was reading my own copy (a hardcover), so that I could make notes as I read.  This time I was also in a very different place -- physically, emotionally, spiritually ... but not geographically.   ;^)

As I read I realized that I was in the midst of my own version of The Great Sadness -- that place Paul Young describes as where our heart is so broken by pain and grief that the resulting pool of secrets feed a shame that allows those around us to unwittingly help us build something he has called The Shack.

What is The Shack?  Paul says it is a metaphor for being stuck by The Great Sadness ... the facade we build to hide our pain and secrets and shame from those around us -- those who think they know us.  Sometimes -- especially? -- it is built to hide us from seeing ourselves and from recognizing our warped ideas of God.  

But what Paul Young does in his book is to ask us to consider the "what if" involved were God to invite us to hike back out to the wilderness where The Shack is hidden -- run down and desolate and frightening.  If we will accept this invitation, we will see that Paul has provided another metaphor for the loving Papa who (with the help of Jesus, Sarayu and Sophia) helps us dismantle The Shack in order to finally heal our broken heart and mend our relationships -- with God and with others ... and especially with ourselves.

The challenge, of course, is that Paul puts into one weekend for Mack what took him 11 years of hard, hard work.  There is no "magic wand" -- it seems very much like Eustace having to be un-dragoned by Aslan in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader.  We scratch and scratch and are successful in shedding a few thin layers of dragon skin.  But we cannot dig deep enough on our own to free ourselves from the result of "thinking dragonish thoughts".  It takes Aslan's powerful and sharp claws to sink into that thick, knobby dragon skin and peel it away and release our true selves from bondage.

Little did I realize over two years ago, when I first thought of the Purple Martyrdom, that it would include hues this dark -- almost black.  God's amazing grace only tells us what we need to know when we need to know it, eh?  The reality is that even as I fear I have let go of that knot at the end of my rope ... I find I have always been safe in the strong hands of the Love that will not let me go.

It really is, as Lewis perceived, a severe mercy.  As severe as the death of the life I knew ... yet as merciful as the Love that promises to bring me back to True Life.   Perhaps it is not unlike Ramandu (the burned-out "star at rest" from The Voyage of the Dawn Treader) who was brought one fire-berry from the valleys in the sun each day.  And each fire-berry takes away some of his age ... until he is again as young as a newborn child.  Then ... he will rise again to take his place and once more tread the great dance....

I do not know how Papa will accomplish this task.  I am often wide-eyed and somewhat pale as I feel Aslan's long and sharp claws dig in and do their work.  Sometimes my heart shudders as I feel the scales being pulled -- firmly yet gently.  But I choose to believe that this is a work of Love ... and that I am safe in the hands of the Great Physician.  The Master Craftsman.  The Good Shepherd.  The Lion who is The Lamb ... that was slain before the foundations of the world were laid ... because He has always been especially fond of me.

In the hope of embracing Abundant Life, I surrender my grasping perception of life.  I trade life-affirming and spontaneous expectancy for death-inducing and stifling expectation ... and childlike and trusting response for controlling and legalistic responsibility.  It may not be neat and pretty from an earthly, human perspective ... but I hear that it is full of glorious fractals where Sarayu is at work in a wildly unconventional garden known as Peggy's Patch -- watering with the precious tear drops that She collects in a little bottle....

Be blessed....